Charter Communications Massacree

Some may be waiting to find out how the Charter visit went. I didn’t delay to build suspense. Oh no, brothers & sisters. I got distracted by QT’s $125 hold scam, Jimmy ‘Oh Lord I sinned’ Swaggart, the Video religion industry, Frank Zappa and the accompanying paranoia in cranking him up in Lilburn, GA.

But if you follow my posts, y’all know I get distracted and have to wait for it to come around again on the guitar. You can get anything you want at Alice’s …. Sorry it almost happened again. Well here it is in 6 part harmony and full orchestration, The Charter Communications Massacree.

I decided to stop by the apartment offices to ask the if the papers stuffed in my door were indeed legitimate and not a Charter scam. I related the story of last fall’s bait & switch where a Charter statement offered a cable box for $0.00/month that was switched to $12/month because the $0.00/month boxes didn’t exist except in a Charter bait & switch scam.

One of the lovely ladies said it was for real. But I’m sceptical on my best days and paranoid the rest of the time. I never worry that I’m paranoid only am I paranoid enough? I took care of the kitty supplies first of all before enjoying myself at Charter.

For some reason they seemed to be in a hurry to get me the hell out of the store. It could have because I started complaining about last fall’s bait & switch scam and inquiring if the present offer is another. They seemed upset with my question of how much a month Free would cost me.

They wanted the phone number associated with my account. “There isn’t one.” How about account number. “No don’t have one of those either. Georgie Porgie winced when I told him, loudly, “I got suckered into a Charter Bulk Scam when I rented my apartment.” That brought Git #2 running to help Georgie.

They looked over the papers I brought along and conferred. “Oh yes, you get 2 Free cable boxes, sir.” I asked, knowing the answer ahead of time, “For how long is it free?”

Georgie and Git #2 chanted in unison, “For the life of Charter’s bulk contract with your apartment complex!” It made my day because I caught them in a bare arsed freakin lie. “That’s not what it says on the papers I was sent. You just lied to me, didn’t ya? Now again, how much a month will Free cost, $12, $24, …” The looks on their faces were freakin priceless and I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

That sent them off into a huddle. I think they had to help each other read. They puzzled out that the offer was 1 box free for the life of the bulk contract and one free for 1 year and their standard monthly charge after that.

They started working together in an effort to get me out and away from the other suckers in the store. Georgie Porgie asked how many TVs I had. “Two.” He tried to give me 2 boxes and was puzzled when I would only accept the lifetime of the bulk contract free one. “I don’t want to have to return it to keep from get hit with a monthly charge. Now how much a month is Free going to cost me?”

I doubt they’ve ever moved that fast on the job before. A cable box magically appeared on the counter from the other end of the store. Georgie scanned the barcode on the box and while the form was printing put the cable box in a bag. I can see the relief on their faces that I’d be out of there soon. Wrong again.

I slowly took out my glasses and carefully read the form they wanted me to sign. Now if I want I can read 2500 words a minute. I don’t think I broke 25 on the form as I continued to inquire about how much a month would Free cost me.

On the form was the serial number of the box. I’m a geek and know if his scanner read the barcode at all, it did so correctly. But I insisted they get the box back out so I could compare the number on the box to the number on the form.

The sigh of relief when I picked up the pen was audible. As Georgie Porgie handed me the bag, thinking it was over, he got one finale bit of advice. “You know people wouldn’t hate Charter if it wasn’t for their pervasive business model of deceiving and misleading customers.”

“I’ll go out of my way to give business to a company that treats me fairly & honestly. Charter on the other hand, I stay away from if at all possible. A prime example is all the junk mail from Charter saying ‘Important Information.’ To be honest Georgie boy, I see Charter and Important on the same envelope, it goes in the trash unopened.” Actually the recycling bin but trash sounded better at the time.

I was in pain today but still had a great freakin time. If I feel better tomorrow I may just pop in to ask again “How much is Free going to cost me per month?